I’m not sure if I should be contacting Childline or the organisers of the Parent of the Year awards.
Followers of this column will know that my step-dad has been trying everything in his power to get rid of me over the past few weeks by hurling me into the area’s most death-defying attractions.
He’s submerged me in shark-infested waters and thrown me hundreds of feet across a forest attached to little more than a fishing line.
But far from orchestrating my demise, the silly old fool is inadvertently making sure I have the best summer holiday ever.
In this week’s challenge, I’ve survived a Caribbean storm, fled from a pair of duelling dragons, rescued a Princess from HMS Thundersplash and escaped a bearded, pot-bellied monster in the Ushi-Cushi River Creek. (Okay, I’m exaggerating, you can’t really call that fluff on my step-dad’s face a beard).
The pinnacle of this week’s adventure involved tackling the world’s longest indoor rollercoaster water slide at Blackpool’s Sandcastle Waterpark.
The ‘master-blaster’ is the ultimate white knuckle rollercoaster waterslide, totalling 250 metres in length.
The ride is the world’s first uphill water rollercoaster with water injectors propelling riders at high speeds up steep inclines before crashing them down great drops and even out onto the Promenade before crashing back in again.
I loved it so much I tackled it four times. But the best moment came watching my bumbling step-dad trying to rescue his shorts when the water injectors nearly shot them clean off his legs. He managed to save his dignity. Just!
The master-blaster is one of the highlights of the park’s £3.5m white-knuckle Hyperzone, which also includes the first vertical indoor drop slide ‘sidewinder’.
My favourite ride was probably the serpentine Duelling Dragons slide, which shoots riders down its twisty tunnels at lightening speeds before spitting them out in a pool at the bottom. For those looking for more relaxing adventures, there is plenty more on offer, including the free flowing Ushi Gushi Action River, the tranquil Shimmering Shallows and the ever popular Typhoon Lagoon wave pool. There was even plenty for my 10-month-old sister Sophia to enjoy.
She loved the Caribbean Storm Treehouse, which is an interactive adventure play area with a giant tipping coconut that cascades more than 600 gallons of water over unsuspecting victims plus a range of water cannons, mini slides and jets in HMS Thundersplash and Fort Riptide.
There are more than 18 slides and attractions in the Tardis-like building.
You don’t realise just how big it is until you get inside. Even my mum and the pot-bellied monster got the chance to lounge around in the Sea Breeze Spa, which they assure me includes an aromatherapy room, salt inhalation room, foot spas, heated loungers, an ice feature, steam room and sauna. It is strictly only for over 18s, so I stuck to the slides. So, as you can see, Sandcastle Waterpark has something for everyone and is a really great day out for the whole family, even the bearded one in your household!
l Open between 9am and 6pm throughout August. General admission is £13.50 for olver 12s with concessions ranging from £8.50 to £10.95. Under 3s free. Access to Hyperzone area includes extra charge between £2.50 and £6. Visit www.sandcastle-waterpark.co.uk