Who's The Daddy: The three loves of my life all included in new collection

Back in school, what I was taught was mostly a complete bafflement to me. I reckon I left “Big School” knowing less when I left in May 1986 than when I arrived, eager and keen in September 1981.

Physics, chemistry and especially maths might as well have been a Paul Daniels magic trick. I dropped three sets in as many years, like a bankrupt football club in freefall.

But even I got what a Venn diagram was, and last week the three loves of my life (wife and two daughters aside), The Stone Roses, Manchester United and Adidas drew one that would have had a 20-year-old yours truly at its centre, probably off my face in the Sugarhouse or bellowing songs that are illegal now from the Stretford End.

The Stone Roses Collection, the standout item being a United shirt that looks like the Jackson Pollock-inspired cover of the band’s debut album, painted by guitarist John Squire and modelled by Marcus Rashford on the club’s website. £60. And it has three stripes (red, white and blue, just like the album cover) on the sleeves with the old-school trefoil on the chest. And I’m there saying, “Please, take my money.”

At the time of writing, the only size available on manutd.com is small. Medium, large, extra large and professional dart player have all sold out. So I’m guessing the high-ups at Adidas and United know their target market well - blokes in their 50s and slightly beyond who are desperately trying to fan the dying embers of their long-forgotten youth with a shirt that looks great on a professional sportsman and national treasure who made sure hungry kids got fed during Covid (little tear in my eye, here).

There are other items in the range, of course, a reversible jacket, track top, pre-match top, This Is The One scarf, track pants and shorts, and, of course, drummer Reni’s famous bucket hat.

This is all well and good. Reni is the finest drummer of his or any other generation and that hat is a symbol of the band. That and splattered paint. Loose and fluid, at times it felt like he had four arms and three legs. His isolated drumming on YouTube is glorious and is something to play to your future grandchildren. Here you go, thank me later https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=2iePKcrATSA&pp=ygUNcmVuaSBkcnVtbWluZw%3D%3D

In the early days of recording Second Coming, so the story goes, he played on his own for 40 minutes and the producer at the time John Leckie beamed: “Can’t this be the album?” If anyone wants to disagree about Reni being the GOAT, I’ll be on the bowling green of The Bowerham Hotel 10 minutes after last orders on Friday.

The thing is, as well as being a very private individual, everything I’ve ever read about Reni suggests that he’s a Manchester City fan. And the only intersection of United and City in a Venn diagram is the word “Manchester”. Everything else is pretty much mutually exclusive.

I know loads of City fans, some of them for decades, and in all that time I’ve never heard one of them say anything nice about United. And the feeling is definitely mutual and that’s just how we like it.

Still, £40. I can wear my Man Utd/Roses bucket hat on holiday and in my mind I’m him.

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